Numb

"Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler." -Friedrich Nietzsche

I wonder what It's like to not feel. To lay under the stars for hours, not needing to carry a blanket. Not needing to shiver or retreat elsewhere. I want to marvel at something without the pestering mundane feelings that seem to do nothing but hold me back. I want to leap forward without worry, hesitation, fear.

These...things that people write novels about. That people gush over, cry, seek out. I don't have them. I don't feel the need to hunt down a man to make me feel like I'm walking on clouds. Yes, it has happened...not by choice. However, I have found out that things get in the way of that. Sometimes not even things. Him, himself, has gotten in the way of things I found important. Although he has made me feel calm, relaxed, and warm overnight, it was always as if the morning was the obstacle. As if everything became so much more difficult by sunrise. Lust turned to passion turned to love turned to expectations turned to dissapointment turned to failed attempts for backtracking into what we were. (Is that because of where it began? Was that the ultimate factor of this dance with a sense of darkness? Or does it not matter where it begins, in accordance of the two who decided to tango?) After a while it wasn't sunshine and flower fields. It wasn't that thing you write epic love stories about. The good didn't overshine the bad. No...it is not better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I'd prefer to not feel.

I wonder if birds truly feel. Do you think they do? Do they fear flying about the ocean...fearful of what may happen when they grow tired and weary? Or do they lunge forward, not thinking about what came before...or what may come after.