Change

"You've changed so much. I guess that's what happens. I wish you knew how much you changed me. I wonder if I changed you, if your life is different because of me. Because mine's different. My God, you taught me so much, and now we don't even talk to each other. I guess that's what happens." -Unknown

And as I sat outside your house, relentlessly calling to ask for a few minutes to clear things up..something happened. I don't know if it was the change in the air or the awakening of my realization that this time was different.

It's felt so wrong for so long. Like when you have a rubber band and it's been strained and stretched every which way. You feel the weariness and doubt within it..but you continue to use it hoping it will hold. Knowing that someday very soon it will most likely snap, past the point of repair.

I don't regret any decisions I've made in my life. I am who I am and that is a direct result of the environment I was raised in. It's so obvious that your situation is likewise. What I do regret however is that you don't want me there for this year that will bring so many changes. Actually- that you won't need me there for this year that is bringing changes.

I've always been the type to beat the bull instead of leaving it alone. At any sight of holding back I pry without intention to stop. I don't take full fault in this situation we found ourself in- as I never do. I've been conditioned to keep going until I find whatever is lurking under the surface, but that is nothing new to you.

You were once relentless, too. You would text and call until we solved it. But it's so obvious that people change. It's so obvious that you are not the person you used to be..and I think that applies to most people. We used to be fun. We used to do things...every weekend. We had ideas, hopes, dreams, aspirations. We would sit up past 2 am making plans we knew would never happen.

We were young. And we were happy.

We are now surrounded by all these negative feelings. Obstacles. Hardships. Stressors. We became so worried about our unhappiness. Dwelling on it. Drowning in it. Feeling comforted by it. Soon our late happy nights turned into you not even wanting to leave the 'comforts' of your room. Random endings to conversations closed with you cursing your life. Our conversations turned into long lists of complaints about work. Our stress colored our conversations with a bright red. Slight comments sent us off the edge.

I don't regret any decisions I've made when it came to my conversation or personality towards you. I won't change myself to keep a friend. I've never held my tongue and you've never asked me to. I think that's partly why you became my friend in the first place. You were so passive, yet loving. Kind. Soft. The greatest thing I admired about you was your thirst to try new things. You were so open minded..and I was the exact opposite.

I hope our positive attributes rubbed of on each other. One thing I know is that I will never be late for anything again. I admit, you were right about that one. But since you're so pleased with my decision to "not bother you again"..I decided to contemplate where we have gone these past four to five years. I don't regret anything. I'm not apologizing for who I am. But I am apologizing for letting us slip so far from who we used to be. That we are so obviously never going to get back to.