I'm sorry.

Good God! How often are we to die before we go quite off this stage? In every friend we lose a part of ourselves, and the best part. -Alexander Pope

I'm often suprised by just how much the human brain can remember. They say if your brain were compared to a digital video recorder, 2.5 petabytes (or one million gigabytes- the brain's memory storage capacity) would be enough to hold 3 million hours of tv shows. You would have to leave the 'TV' on for over 300 years in order to use up all the storage available. The memories that can be triggered by a single photo have always fascinated me. I can remember outfits, weather, what we ate that day, and just how long I cried on a single date. I can probably remember the first words you've ever spoken to me, or what I felt the first time I met you.

When you think of memories off the top of your head, the best ones probably come to mind first. It's like you're fast forwarding through a VHS tape, and only seeing the glimpse of emotions playing off an array of faces. You see your mother gushing, your dad clapping, your sister cheering, and your best friends laughing. You remember dances, lunchtime gossip, pep rallies, your little sister's sweet sixteen, and your first slow dance. When my friends come into town, we spend hours and hours laughing about people we dated for 36 hours, the first time we got drunk together, our first tearful heartbreaks, and just how much everything has changed. With the arrival date of my best friend's fast approaching, I decided to crack open the old photo albums, and log onto old accounts.

You'd think going through my old photos would be an overall joyful feeling. But as I scrolled through 100 pages of photos, I couldn't help but become more saddened with the click of every button. You never realize how many friends have come and gone until you look at a small amount of pictures that span through a long period of time. When you take a closer look at the things you normally pass by, you can't help but notice the girl who brought you Wendy's frosties when you were sick for a week. Or the girl who held you for an hour when you showed up late to fourth period crying in seventh grade. You realize that there were some people you should have held onto, and some who you were grateful to let go of. Wounds that never fully healed are reopened, and you yearned for things you onced loved long ago.

I never thought I could regret so many things within an hour. There are so many goodbyes I wish I could have said properly. And so many "I'm sorry's" I wish I could just belt out without sounding like a complete fool. There are people you hurt, and people who hurt you. The worst part is, there is a side of me that knows I will never have the courage to own up to my mistakes. Everything feels so semi-permanent when you're young. We walked around in this alternate reality, thinking we were forever invincible and never wrong. All the time. We were so proud and so unwilling to say two words that could have made an entire difference. Not even knowing that a smill 'tiff' could potentially end in something much more.

I have had so many priviledges in my life. I have loved and been loved. I have been provided for and now am able to provide for myself. There are things back then that were so important, that sometimes I wish I knew at the time.

"Everything was simple. And nothing hurt."

I never believed in 'no regrets'. I always felt like regretting was a way of recognizing something you did wrong. And hopefully a way for you to learn how to appreciate the things you have now. I am saddened by friendships that have passed, losing things I was solely supposed to protect, and just not loving things I should have. But I guess that's life. And life can have a fucked up way of teaching you things sometimes. But hey, at least I learned, right?