"D. All of the Above"

"Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living.”  -Jonathan Safran Foer

Throughout my life I have had a strange obsession with lists. Bucket lists, lists of things to do, places I want to go, lists of who I think I am. Call it what you will (identity crisis?), but it is undoubtedly one of my favorite things to do. My latest obsession has been figuring out what frightens me the most. Two years ago I probably would have said "being alone" or something equally dramatic. However, these days I welcome solitude. I revel in it. I spend my free time sleeping, reading, or just trying to steady my balance on this thing that has become my life. I now welcome the thought of going home and just shutting the door for a couple hours, and being...me. Obviously it gets a little lonely from time to time, but thankfully there are ways to take care of that.

Today I figured out what I am most scared of. Not ever accomplishing...anything. I go to work five times a week, and the moment I step foot on those grounds, I am overwhelmed by the same feeling everyday. Is this really what it's going to be like for the rest of my life? I look around and realize that 80% of the population probably feel the same way for their entire life.

There are so many things I want to do with my life. But not all of them fit together easily. Another branch that stems off of this particular fear is the opportunity cost of life choice. What am I giving up in order to achieve this goal? Would I be happier with this choice? All of these options I have in life just overwhelm me to the point where I don't end up doing anything. I feel as if I am sitting around waiting for a sign.

They say the fact that we only have one life makes a person want to follow their dreams. As if knowing our impending doom really makes us 'truely live'. If you ask me, it makes me even more nervous. How am I supposed to make a decision and not be afraid that I chose the wrong one?